Nobody understands.

They just cant seem to understand whats wrong with me recently. or maybe they just dont realise.
and honestly, i cant pinpoint what it is anymore. its like a have a rojak of problems.

i guess one of them is results, and this is probably the only one i can actually share online. even on platforms to rant i cant type all my problems out. sigh. really dont know why im so screwed up.

Results. Its no big deal, everyone said. of course it isnt.
because results doesnt matter and my results aint that bad in the first place.
but no, the bad results isnt whats upsetting me.
so yes, it isnt a big deal, but its big enough to me.
because what upsets me is the drop.
try dropping from the top to the last. then tell me how it feels. try being used to being one of the elites since young - even though you're not the best - and dropping the the bottom of the class.
tell me you wont feel upset, wont feel angry, wont feel disappoint.
try flunking what is your only strength and tell me it doesnt bother you.

Then so many people are telling me that they did so badly when they did better than me.
dont get me wrong - im truly happy for them even though i didnt do as well.
and i know you need someone to rant to when you didnt meet your own expectations. i understand that cause i went through that last year. i know you just need someone to tell that even though you did better than some others, you didnt do as well as you would like.
but i would really appreciate it if they dont keep repeating it to me. 
Because honestly, it really doesnt feel nice to be at the other end of the spectrum.
im really fine if its once or twice, but saying it again and again and again is seriously putting salt on my wound. i wont be angry with the person,
i will just be really upset with myself everytime anyone does that.
And then the self-pity, which i despise, would start. 
If you're so upset for that one subject, can you imagine how i feel when i underperformed for everything?
thats the only way i can try to make people who think that im kicking up a BIG fuss over NOTHING to understand my perspective.
All these has totally made me lost my confidence in myself, my ability to do well. and people just dont get how important is this confidence.
NOW, i feel like i would never ever survive Junior College, wont be able to make it through with good results. i really need the boost, some evidence that i can actually do well in studies.
and yet some people think im jesting or looking for excuses. 
i need a glimpse of hope. i need faith.

Moving on, everyone's just so used to me being fine or looking happy, they forget im only human and i do feel other emotions like sadness. i guess because of that everytime i try to mention that i really cant hang on any longer to someone, they would unintentionally brush it off. Not because that they didnt care because they do, but becuase they're fooled by my facade. not that you can fault them because honestly, i look like im coping well, and i look like im not struggling at all. and after that they brush it off, i just dont feel like explaining to them the truth and pretend that i was saying whatever they thought i was trying to say.
i guess for this, i cant fault anyone but myself. because i was the one who chose not to mention it. 
so i really cant fault anyone for not understanding.

and with all the problems and fears im facing, my mood is seriously unstable. i guess thats why i seem the be lashing out at every small thing. because i need an outlet and everytime there's a chance, i let out more then i should. So i apologize to anyone and everyone who has to face my atrocious temper, moodswings and insecurities, especially kit yee. i promise it was never intentional.

Because after more than one year, i can hardly take it anymore. especially now that things has gotten much more intense and the evidence is in my face.

the worst thing is i dont feel like talking to anyone about it, about anything and everything. i just dont.
idk is it me or the brushing off or something else. i just dont want to. maybe i just dont want the pity, or the disappointment, or having to explain things to them when they think im actually faulting them when im not.

all this ranting isnt gonna do any good so i dont know why i spent my time crafting all these when i should be studying. but i guess its good to get something off my chest. :)

well, on a lighter note, i think i have a nice class. :) we actually watched dictator together in the physics lecture e-learning period. the movie is seriously hilarious. i would love to skip tut just to finish it but it wont be nice to our very nice teacher. hahaha. maybe i should find it myself. and im also very curious to see exactly what aliff skipped, causing an "uproar" from the guys. hahahaha.

goodnight. im off to do my work :)
PS: i really appreciate those who take the time to come and read my depressing and selectively dead blog so THANK YOU :)